


Where is the memory of Logan Sanders?

by Lopaviro



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27455563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopaviro/pseuds/Lopaviro
Summary: Logan Sanders is experiencing something and he has no idea what it is. Can he figure it out before it gets any worse? Warning: Some of this is very graphic. I'll trigger warn it at the start of the chapter, but be warned.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

He was fine. Truly he was. That’s what he told everyone. But as he closed his door, he let out a deep sigh. He couldn’t continue like this. Logan couldn’t ignore his feelings any longer. It was clearly having a negative effect on him. 

He could ignore whatever emotions came his way, but now it was affecting everyday life. His work. His relationships. His mindset. It had been two weeks since he had gotten a full night's sleep, usually only getting 3 or 4 hours after passing out at his desk out of exhaustion. His hands never seemed to stop shaking. The worst was probably the feelings and actions. If you had told him 6 months ago that he would be numb, he would have smiled at you, and said something about being able to work harder without icky emotions there to stop him. 

But not anymore.

This was different and he would be lying if he didn’t admit how terrifying it was. This numbness was anything but good. There was tiredness that seemed to rest deep in his bones. Sometimes during dinner, he would just stare off into the distance, not particularly thinking about anything, but just being distracted by this endless sensation of numb. It was a sad numb. Usually Roman would give some quip about it and he would say he was just tired from working. But it had gotten worse. Sometimes he would just be in places and he didn’t know what time it was or how he had gotten there. The worst was yesterday. One moment they were having dinner on Sunday, he blinked and then suddenly it was Wednesday and he was watching Sleeping Beauty. Logan only knew that because that’s when they would have a movie night (not a Friday for some reason, but hey none of them were exactly normal) . He didn't remember anything that had happened in between that point. If he was scared before he was now terrified. Logan never forgot anything, as the logical side he had to remember lots of things, so why was he forgetting days at a time. He looked at the clock and sighed. It had happened again. When he had shut his door it was 9 pm. Currently, it was 2 am and he doubted he would be able to sleep. He raked a hand through his hair and decided to make himself a cup of coffee to keep him awake.

He quietly made his way downstairs, careful to miss the last step that creaked. They had fortunately gotten a noiseless coffee machine last year for Christmas, it was another one of Roman’s genius creations for when one of them wanted a midnight drink without disturbing the others. He put it on and stared at the wall. When it was finished, he made it and sat at the table staring into his cup. He didn’t know how long it was, but he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. Logan looked down to see he had been stabbed. Everyone knew there was only one side who greeted like this. “Hello Remus.” Remus removed the knife 

“ Aw no fair!! I can never surprise you dork” he pouted. Logan turned to look at him. “ Didn’t you say that when you were tired you started subconsciously creating things?”  
“ I do, but I also sleepwalk. But don’t worry, the stabbing was a conscious choice!!” Before Logan could reply to that, Remus had disappeared, saying something about going back to sleep. Logan sighed and healed himself. It was...interesting to say the least. How the pain had relieved his...emotional distress even slightly. Maybe he could just...no. No, he couldn’t. The consequences were too severe. He sighed and closed his eyes. 

When he opened them, he was at his desk. He gasped. Not again. He put his head in his hands. He quickly checked the time on his phone. It was 12 pm on...Friday. Great. He had missed all of yesterday. This was becoming a serious problem. Logan’s stomach gurgled. He guessed he hadn’t eaten yet. He made his way downstairs and made a sandwich. He was just sitting down when Virgil walked in, looking slightly dishevelled. He did always wake up late when they didn’t have filming. They exchanged quick nods as Virgil made himself some coffee. He wasn’t up for talking until he had his morning coffee, which is often why Roman’s morning antics often made his mood worse. After they both finished their respected consumables in comfortable silence, Virgil finally spoke up “ Hey L…. are you ok? You seem a little… distant.” he said bluntly.  
Logan responded almost automatically “Yes I am fine. Are you okay? Are you still upset by your argument with Roman?”. He knew he had said something wrong when Virgil turned to look at him quizzically. Logan could almost hear the gears in his brain turning. When he finally said “ You’re the one that helped us make up yesterday L. Do you not remember?” he paled and uttered out “Oh no..you don’t have amnesia do you? Or dementia? Oh god L, what if your memory just keeps getting worse and worse until you forget us, or forget how to breathe? Oh god….” 

“Virgil. I need you to breathe with me. In for four,’ he took a breath, motioning for Virgil to join him, which he did with a bit of shakiness ‘Hold for seven and out for eight’. When they finished Virgil looked better. If he was being honest, the idea of it being dementia or amnesia did concern him at the least and terrify him at the most. But he wasn’t his main concern at the moment. “ Virgil. To the best of my knowledge I do not have amnesia or dementia. I simply didn’t immediately remember it. I assure you that there is nothing to worry about. I remember the event now that I have had time to think about it and I’m glad I could be of assistance. If there is anything you need me for, you simply need to ask.” He looked softly at Virgil, hoping he had convinced him. He internally sighed a breath of relief when Virgil took a deep breath.

“Ok L, I believe you. Sorry for going all weird on you. And yeah, I’ll ask if I need anything. Thank you.”

“It’s really no problem at all. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go finish some work, so I will take my leave. And remember my door is always open’ he walked to the door but hesitated when he got there before turning around “ I mean metaphorically of course. Roman is very loud and I cannot concentrate so I usually keep the door shut. But you simply need to knock.” Virgil chuckled at this, a sound that graced everyone’s ears the rare times he let them hear it.

“ I know Lo. You’re such a dork.” Logan smiled fondly at that

“Well I should rather like to be a dork than a, as Roman puts it, emo nightmare!” and with that he left, but that didn’t stop Virgil from calling “I’ll have you know I see that as a compliment thank you very much” Now it was Logan’s turn to chuckle. He made his way to his room and quietly shut the door. His smile slipped from his face as he went through the conversation. Dementia? He hoped not. He straightened up. He had work to do and could think about it later when he had finished. Just as he was about to turn around, he heard a sickly sweet voice call out to him and he froze.

“ Hello Logan. I think it’s time we have a chat. Don’t you?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Logan is confronted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while. I had written it but it was going in a direction I didn't like, so I re-wrote the second half of it. Hope you enjoy!

Logan whipped around to look at the figure on his bed and hoped the slight fear in his eyes didn’t show. The person nonchalantly looked at him, like Logan could drop dead infront of him and he would be indifferent. Logan sighed before he began to speak.

“ Janus. If you wanted to talk to me, you should have just knocked and I would have talked to you. You did not need to break into my room.”. Janus just inspected his nails through his gloves ( he knew he couldn’t but he was petty and difficult like that) seemingly uninterested. 

“ I know. But where’s the fun in waiting? Besides, I didn’t want you to potentially turn me away, so I made it so you had to talk to me.” Logan couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his face. Sure, sometimes Janus might be infuriating but there was a certain debonair, slightly chaotic part of him that was enjoying to be around (it was probably from all those years of living with Remus). Truth be told, he was...fond of the deceitful side and respected him. He was the second smartest in the group and he used evidence and facts to back up his points, instead of using a premonition or a (ugh) feeling.

“Ok then” he sat down slightly rigidly in his chair and motioned for Janus to begin speaking “What do you require to speak to me about?” Janus seemed to hesitate before his face took on a more serious look, turning to face him. 

“Logan. You are aware that I am Deceit? And as the role of deceit, I am usually aware of when another side is lying.” This caused Logan to pale. He had forgotten about that. “Now I cannot tell what the lie is but I can tell who said it. And you, my good sir, are telling a lot more than you were previously for quite a while now. I was hoping I could keep my hands clean but now I see I must intervene before you get any worse. So tell me Logan,” he leaned back, resting his hands on his knee “Why have you been lying to our precious light sides?” Logan felt all the colour drain out of his face. He had two options here. Either tell him what was going on. He didn’t like the idea of that. Or tell half truths and hoped he would go away. It was very enticing. He decided to go for the age old approach. Answering a question with a question.

“...Janus. You have been here longer than me so you must clearly know more about sides than I do so I need you to answer my questions. If a side impersonates another side enough times, can that side start to forget things?” his eyes widened when Janus failed to hide his concern (which in turn was concerning that the self proclaimed lord of the lies was that concerned. Logan also thought that was too many concerns in one sentence) and added “In a.. hypothetical situation of course.” Janus seemed to subtly pick up on what Logan was saying. He looked at the floor for a minute, seemingly racking his brain for ideas or memories before looking at Logan, face mostly neutral. Except for the way his eyebrows creased ever so slightly and a troubled look in his eyes. He began speaking, albeit hesitantly.

‘I certainly think it’s possible, but I’ve never come across anything like that before. If you’re suggesting that I have been impersonating you as of late, then I can assure you I have not. Now that I have been somewhat accepted, there is not much need for me to disguise myself,’ Logan let himself relax a little at that. At least that removed one possibility. But all relaxation slipped away when Janus continued to speak ‘But. If you are forgetting things then we should definitely look into it.’ Deep down, Logan knew that he was right. He shouldn’t be forgetting days at a time like this. It isn’t normal. He really should open up and tell him what has been going on. 

However

At that moment he couldn’t bring himself to care. It was like he was hanging on a ledge and Janus was trying to offer Logan his hand. But Logan couldn’t bring himself to move his hand to reach out. So he didn’t. He just continued to do what he seemed so good at doing lately. He lied

‘I am sorry if it seemed like I was accusing you. I promise I did no't mean to come off so accusatory. You have my respect and I trust you not to impersonate me. It was merely a hypothetical situation I was asking about. I’m- I don’t have memory loss. I can remember things perfectly well. There is nothing to worry about. I’m fine’ he wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince at this point, but it didn’t matter. It had mostly worked. 

Janus, seeing he wouldn’t get much out of Logan in that moment, simply sighed and stood up, brushing some seemingly miniscule pieces of dust off of his clothes ‘Well since this is a hypothetical situation, and I have now answered your question, I shall leave you to your work. Nevertheless, if this hypothetical situation ever becomes theory, then I can always be of assistance.’ Logan stood up to show him to the door and nodded slightly at him. 

‘I will keep that in mind. Until we inevitably get dragged down for a family dinner by Patton,’ Janus will deny it until the day he dies, but Logan knows he heard a quiet, fond laughter from him ‘I hope you have a good rest of the day.’ He opened the door and stood aside to let Janus leave. As he passed, he turned to look at Logan one last time 

‘I mean it Logan. Re think about what I said.’ before taking his leave. Once he was sure Janus was out of ear shot, he sighed a bone deep sigh and slowly shut the door. He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands. 

What was he going to do? 

That was the last thought he had before the world faded away and everything went grey….

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever work, so feedback would be greatly appreciated. Have a good day!


End file.
